so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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