maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
