Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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