how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
