If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
