You made me cry and you don't even care
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
