pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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