he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
