she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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