Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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