so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
