Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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