Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
