last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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