sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
