you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
