i always forget guys have bellybuttons
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
