tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
