I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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