$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
