You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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