happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
