ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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