Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I need to stop coming to work sober
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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