me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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