I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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