Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I am one with the molecules
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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