I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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