good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
