Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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