Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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