I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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