I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Randomize
