the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
