Pappa wants mamma naked
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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