One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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