I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
