I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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