My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
