yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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