This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
