i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Fuck appropriateness.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
