I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
