we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
