Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
im holly from the hills drunk
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
