Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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