So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
