So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
