my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
