When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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