i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
