I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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