is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
