I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
