i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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