apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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