I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
