Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
