shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
