I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
