1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
