omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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