you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
