did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This is classic penis vs brain.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
